Uncategorized

On a Personal Note

Hello friends and welcome to another aspirational edition of Just Another Struggling Writer. I’m just another struggling writer.

And I have been struggling of late. I’m pretty sure it’s the same old story: my brain chemistry acting funky again, and while that’s not very interesting to talk about, it’s a reality of my life that I resist coming to terms with. Suffice it to say, I have been waylaid by an unshakeable listlessness over the past week, an utter lack of desire or motivation to do anything with my precious time. Which is frustrating, because I very, very badly want to institute some changes to my life, via my routines and habits, but, for some reason, I just… can’t. It’s frankly horrible. Imagine knowing cerebrally that you have the strength and ability to accomplish your goals and dreams, yet not doing it anyway for reasons you don’t understand. Having immense power, yet feeling utterly powerless against a force you can’t see or name or even truly describe.

After sitting with these feelings the last four or five days, I’ve been able to come up with one just one answer to the question, “How do I do it when I feel like I can’t do it?”

And that’s to talk about it. Talk about how I’m feeling and talk about what I want to do once I’ve conquered the worst of it. So, I’ve done the first part. What about the second?


Scrolling idly through twitter yesterday, I stumbled upon a job posting for an editorial assistant with a famous imprint. It’s remote and requires no degree. I don’t make a lot of money in my current day job so the pay would actually be an increase. My first thought was that I am direly unqualified to work in publishing, having never set foot inside a college classroom before, despite the no degree required and the explicit encouragement from the poster that even those who don’t think they’re qualified should apply anyway. My second thought was, wasn’t I just sitting in the car three days ago thinking about how I wanted to give the publishing industry a go? My third thought was, I assumed I wasn’t qualified to write romance novellas but I applied anyway and I just turned in my seventh completed manuscript.

Lastly, I thought, I what’s the harm? The worst thing that could happen is they say sorry, but no. So, I’m going to do it. I’m going to dust off my resume and figure out how to write a cover letter and I’m going to go for it.

But that’s not the only thing I’m going to do. About a month ago, on a whim, I applied to the local community college. I went through a few of the steps to proceed with admission and then I stopped and wondered to myself what the hell was I doing? I’m almost 34 and the only thing I can imagine studying would be writing, and I obviously don’t need a degree to do that. So, what would be the point of spending my limited financial and time resources on classes that probably won’t do me any good?

It’s those sorts of thoughts that deterred me from going to college in the first place. The thing is though, I’m not twenty anymore and I’m frankly sort of tired of being stuck in an outdated way of thinking. The point of taking classes right now isn’t necessarily to further my career (lol what career) and make more money, but to enrich myself, which is something I do want. So I’m going to do that too. I’m gonna finish the enrollment process and get started on learning.


And all of this sounds awesome, and, yeah, it is, but working in publishing and getting a degree, while both certainly achievable and worthy goals in their own right, are not exactly what I want to do. What I want to is write. I want to write a lot. I want to have millions of words and dozens of books to my name. I want to be a writer not just in aspiration or on a technicality, but in a sustainable, life-long career sort of way.

The great news is I don’t need to apply, or pay tuition, or count on the grace of good fortune to do any of that. I just need willpower and a little bit (or maybe a lot) of time. Ironically, the time is the easy part. The will… that’s what I’ve been struggling to find.

I’ll keep searching for it. And I’ll keep trudging along in the meantime, writing what I can when I can.

Until next time, friends, may your writing be plenty and your struggles be few.

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-Fi


Scribd subscribers, click here to find my romance novellas!

Uncategorized

Monday Motivations; Queen of Wands

Hello friends and welcome to another woeful week of writing.

As regular readers may have noticed, I’ve been a tad absent of late, and as regular readers might surmise, that absence is due in large part to the first depressive episode since starting my anti-depressant showing it’s ugly face.

I won’t harp on it too long since there is no new ground to tread, but I continue to be so, so grateful to those who have and still stick by me even when I am at my lowest. If that includes you, dear reader, your energy is not missed and is deeply felt and appreciated.

The good news is I’m starting to come around again, and not a moment too soon because after a three month hiatus, I finally have a freelance contract and accompanying manuscript to work on again. Though I still have to fight off all the normal gremlins that come with starting a new project (why are beginnings so haaaard), my mood noticeably improved the other day when I opened my laptop and started a new Scrivener doc. Which is odd because historically writing when I’m depressed doesn’t go very well and tends to bring me down even lower.

And yet despite having an incredibly stressful year in 2021 with difficulties in my day job and as a parent, I still managed to turn in six novellas last year. Wilder still is that every single one of them was on time. While I can easily say I was depressed the majority of the year, I still got my work done.

It makes me wonder sometimes if my path to being published is not meant to take the “bang my head against an idea or three until a good enough manuscript falls out to edit and query and get rejected and try again until the right one lands an agent” route.

I like to think I write really well to spec, and while I wouldn’t say I thrive on a deadline, I’m certainly very comfortable writing with a due date in mind (and actually meeting it). While my personal projects languish in first draft — or even worse, worldbuilding — hell because I have no outside pressure to stimulate me, my freelancing projects have never been late nor been so bad as to be unpublishable.

Is there a place for someone like me in the writing world? Well, duh, of course there is. That’s why I have this freelancing gig in the first place. But beyond that there are ghost writers and those who write for IP. It’s not really a matter if the kind of writer I apparently am has a space in publishing and literature, the real question is am I comfortable occupying it? Do I have the fortitude to accept that perhaps that writing my original ideas is not the path I was meant to take?

I don’t know. Obviously, this isn’t an either/or situation. There’s nothing stopping me from doing both, except, well, me. And the confines of time stubbornly refusing to accommodate how much work is physically and mentally possible during the day. But I digress.

It’s just something else to think about. In the short term, I’m going to keep freelancing and squeezing in the personal work where I can. At least that way I can be sure I’m always moving forward.

And that’s my motivation this week.

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-Fi


Scribd subscribers, click here to find my romance novellas!

Uncategorized

Monday Motivations; TMI

Hello friends. Last week was exceptionally trying for me. Not long after writing that blog post about rising above the difficulties I had been facing at my increasingly stressful job, I had the opportunity to put my newfound determination to the test.

Suffice it to say I failed, and was afforded a discomfiting look at how poorly I had been managing my mental health, not just of late, not just since the pandemic, but for years. The good news is, I’m taking steps to address it now. However much that means for my writing, I can’t wait to find out.

Speaking of which, I am officially back in the saddle again with the freelance writing, and as much as I enjoyed the break, I think the routine of writing every day is important for me to maintain. But this weekend, as I settled into the first few pages of my new project, I was reminded of how… dissatisfied I would be if my writing career never evolved beyond my current output. And how, even though time is a precious resource I never seem to have enough of, it is ultimately up to me to squeeze whatever personal writing I want to do into the creases.

So that’s my motivation this week. At the end of the day, after I’ve gotten my freelance words done but before I completely shut off my brain, do a little bit of writing on my personal project. Even if it’s just a few sentences or jotting a few story ideas down in my notebook. A little bit every day.

Until next time my friends

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-fi

Uncategorized

Monday Motivations; Prove It

Good morning friends and welcome to another week in the writing trenches

Well, last week you didn’t hear from me at all here because I had once again put myself in a pretty horrible position with my latest freelance deadline. Suffice it to say, I had a pretty hefty word count deficit and just one week to play catch up. And though I did manage to get submitted on time, it was not an experience I would like to repeat.

Which has gotten me thinking. I’ve now been at this freelancing thing three months and with each progressive project it feels like my time management has gotten worse. Of course, I had a depressive episode to contend with, which interfered with my productivity on each of the last two projects, but that doesn’t completely account for my poor time investments across the board. That’s something I have always struggled with (read: my several posts lamenting my time budget and how I always manage to overspend).

Those struggles reached their natural climax last week. And though I did not end up at my worst case scenario (emailing my editor in embarrassment asking for more time), I worry that if I do not take my time management pitfalls more seriously, I will find myself in that position sooner rather than later.

So, I’ve decided to issue an ultimatum to myself. I have one more project under contract (thanks again to my poor time management I wasn’t able to get another pitch submitted for the quarter on time). If I can’t figure out how to make my schedule work without sacrificing things like day job performance, housekeeping responsibilities, etc., then this will be the last time I do it. Four months should be plenty of time to work it out and if I can’t… maybe it’s just not meant to be.

Which would suck, because I really love writing as a job. That part hasn’t worn out it’s welcome yet. My second check hits my bank account this week and it’s still so cool (yet surreal) to think I’m getting paid for work I’m passionate about. So it’s time for me to prove that this isn’t just some gig I took up for shiggles. This is an important moment in my career and a major stepping stone for my aspirations to make writing a living.

So, that’s my motivation this week. Figure out how to balance writing against my other time commitments or give up writing as a part time job until I can.

Concrete goals:

  • 1500 words a day, 7500 by Friday
  • Blog on Thursday and Friday
  • Read 5 chapters of current read

Wish me luck. I’m working against 15 years of bad habits.

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-fi

Uncategorized

Monday Motivations; Back in the Saddle

Good morning! I am pleased to say that I am feeling much, much better now, the fog of depression at last lifting on Friday. After a weekend to recoup and relax, I am back to tackle another fun filled week of writing.

Okay so the “fun” part might be a bit of a stretch, because, thanks to the aforementioned depressive episode I am now in dire straits writing wise. How dire, you might be wondering? Well, 27000 words in less than two weeks dire.

Yeah, it’s bad.

I’m lucky that this project was my most thoroughly planned of the three pitched. I even have a solid outline. I feel pretty sure I can pull this off, but it’s going to be a harrowing two weeks to be sure. It’s really going to test my abilities in a way they never have before. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. In fact it feels like lying to use the word nervous instead of “scared shitless” for example.

But I’m just gonna go for it. No telling what I’m capable of until I try, right?

Wish me luck!

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-fi

Uncategorized

Monday Motivations; The Laundry At Your Feet

Good morning friends.

Let’s start off with a confession: last week was rough for me. My depression and anxiety were pretty severe which made it hard to do anything writing wise beyond the absolute minimum to get my freelance manuscript turned in. The great news is: it got turned in! Damn straight, I finished the edits, submitted, and sent off the invoice as well. I spent all weekend relaxing, trying to get my groove back, as it were, so I could tackle my next project, plus all the other writing related tasks I have on my docket.

Sadly, I’m not feeling much better today. I want to be able to say that I’m going to write 10,000 words this week, and do my requested edits on my first freelance submission, and start working on my pitches for next quarter. I’d like to say I’m going to read and blog and all that stuff that I really want to do. But I know over promising and ultimately under delivering, even if the only expectant party is myself, will just make me feel worse in the long run. Yet… all this work has to get done somehow.

Fruits Basket is a Japanese manga by author and illustrator Natsuki Takaya, and is one of my favorite stories in the whole world.

So, instead of setting myself up for failure and contributing to an already pretty down mental state, I’m going to try and do the opposite to maybe help lift myself out of it. I’ll do this by setting tiny, realistic and very achievable goals and, hopefully, meeting them. I won’t think about the next task until the first is complete. I won’t stress that I’m not working hard or fast enough.

At least I’ll try, anyway. Isn’t that what matters in the end, that I try?

Kerry Share

Twitter | Instagram | Ko-fi

Uncategorized

Writing With Depression

I’ve written and erased more words than I can count trying to compose this blog post. My mood has swung from defensive, to apologetic, to ashamed, with plenty of pit stops in between. One moment I feel emboldened to share my experiences, so that others who might be going through something similar can feel seen. The next, I tell myself that strangers on the internet care not a whit for my problems, and that I’m only opening myself up for negative attention by talking so frankly about something so raw and personal. In the end, I hope I’ve found some middle ground.

To put it frankly and simply: I, like many others, suffer from depression. Mine manifests primarily as major depressive episodes, which I experience three or four times a year. During these times, which usually last around three weeks, my chief symptom, apart from an emotional cocktail of all the usual suspects, is exhaustion. A normal day of waking up, taking my kids to daycare, a 9 hour work day, then coming home to care for my three littles literally feels like being in a state of perpetual motion designed to drain every last iota of energy from my body. As such, any waking moment of spare time I have not being used to keep up appearances at my job or to my family is spent in bed.

If I could form a list of all the activities that are sacrificed on the altar of my depression, creativity would be at the very top. It’s not a choice, but, logically it make the most sense. Writing is work, hard work at that. Squeezing it to a full schedule of work, kids, and a social life is a labor in and of itself. Trying to maintain it while your brain chemistry is trying to convince you of how worthless you are… well, I don’t pretend to know how other depressed creatives feel, but for me it’s damn near impossible.

It goes without saying that it sucks having to take a break in this way. It feels like I’m giving up on my dream, even if I know rationally that’s only temporary. At a time when my mind is already fertile ground for self-loathing, writing becomes yet another catalyst for guilt, which then turns into a sort of resentment for my project, which then morphs back into guilt and the cycle continues. In the end, the title for this post becomes a misnomer because in reality, for me, there simply is no writing while depressed.

Eventually the fog starts to clear and I feel a little silly for all the things I did and felt during the episode. I go around and make my apologies to my kids, my partner, anyone who I let down or was short with. And then I get on with my life, knowing that in a few months we’ll all be going through it again.

I wish it was different. I really do. Who knows what I could have accomplished this month off if I my brain hadn’t decided it was time to venture down the rabbit hole. Even now that I feel ready to get back to it, I’ve found myself having difficulty reconnecting to the project after such a long and mentally trying hiatus.

Ultimately, the only answer is to just… keep fighting through it. I have to pick up my pen and write the next word, the next sentence, paragraph, page, and chapter until it’s done. No matter what obstacles I face, that goal has ever been the same.

Thanks to those who read this, even though you don’t know me or perhaps can’t relate to this particular difficulty. And to anyone who’s going through something similar: I don’t have any advice, but I see you. And I believe in you.

 

Kerry Share